Lazy Saturday and Taylor's Famous!!

The following appeared in Sarah Goodman's weekly column, Some Kind of Crazy in The Sheridan Headlight. Oh yes, I said Taylor was famous!!!

Being the nerd that I am, I always liked the “compare and contrast” essay questions we had to answer in school. In the spirit of the season, I’d like to compare and contrast two letters to Santa.

The first was written by a little girl I taught in my Vacation Bible School class a few years ago. She was an incredibly well-behaved child, who never complained even though our class was held outside during July in temperatures and humidity that made an equatorial rainforest seem downright chilly. She never griped, even though her teacher did. A lot.

Taylor is without a doubt a sweetheart. When I saw her letter to Santa on her mom’s blog, I knew I had to get permission to use it:
Dear Santa,
I would like to tell you Sopthing (I adore this phonetic spelling of “something”).
I hav made Sum Mistacse. (Haven’t we all made some mistakes? Good to see someone admitting it!)
But I am Triying to Bee a Good Girl. (I certainly hope we are all trying to be good, but I have my doubts. Finally, in little tiny letters at the bottom, she gets around to making her one request:)
I would like a new bike.

Taylor’s mom noted that this was her third attempt at confessing her sins to Santa. The first letter started out, “I have not been a good girl.” Mom persuaded her not to be so hard on herself, so she came back with “I have not been a good enuf girl.” Apparently, it took some serious coaxing to convince Taylor that she wasn’t Attila the Hun reincarnated.

Before I get to AJ’s letter to Santa for this year, let me say that I’m never sure what to expect from him in this department. One year, he requested that Santa “bring Mama a new mirror.” This didn’t reflect (pun intended) too well on me, I decided. It sounded as though the numerous mirrors around our home just weren’t enough for the amount of self-admiration I had to accomplish every day. Or maybe AJ assessed my appearance, decided I clearly must not own a mirror, and really needed to get one quickly. I came across as vain or skanky. In truth, I think his request was because he knew I’d dropped my makeup mirror and shattered it, but it was still an odd thing to see in a kid’s letter to St. Nick.

AJ’s missive to Santa this year had, like Taylor’s, some creative spelling. They both spell it like it sounds. However, he takes a different approach to dealing with the naughty vs. nice question:

Dear Santa Place can I have a lever ashen with a skope?
(See how he gets right to the point? I’m proud of the polite, albeit misspelled, “please” in the opening line, but I’m concerned that my seven year old is asking for high-powered rifles.)
And a Bolt ashen with a skope have I been good?
Notice that he not only wants a bolt action rifle, but also a lever action, and they both need to have scopes. You never know when you might have a potential kill at long range, be it a deer, squirrel, or Bigfoot. AJ is a firm believer in sasquatches, and is constantly on the lookout for proof of their existence. He’s decided the best proof would be one huge hairy carcass.
The part that I love most about this letter is the “have I been good?” that he snuck in there at the end, almost as an afterthought.
That pretty much sums up AJ’s philosophy on dealing with wrongdoing: Never admit guilt until confronted with direct proof of your misdeeds. Just wait and see how much, if any, evidence mom or Santa might have on you before you stick your foot in your mouth. You might still be able to pin this on someone else, so play it cool!

I hope everyone out there was good this year, or at the very least that Santa doesn’t have the hard evidence to prove otherwise. Merry Christmas to all, and if you happen to kill a Bigfoot, let us know.